Saturday, July 23, 2011
328 -Some how I don't ever want to go back to school ever again... Maybe it'll allow me the time to really think about things and forget so much faster. These few days my thoughts have been jumbled, and I can't seem to think straight or even think about the stuff that really does matter, they're clouded by thoughts of people how they react and how they act.
The thoughts run through my mind the whole day, memories resurface and thoughts form around them. Questions surface. Each reaction triggers a different thought, each word a different meaning, uncovering things I never thought were true. Though, it all makes sense now. The feuds, the lies and the truth behind everything I've been through... I should have seen them coming, seen through that veil that blinded me so. I shouldn't have been surprised at everything happening now, the fight and these feelings, I should have seen them coming a long time ago. So why didn't I?
Memories are flooding back to me, every last detail. Every word spoken, every gesture made. I never knew I could have been this blind, the feuds... They occurred because of the past we had, the bad memories and the things we just couldn't ever agree on, they didn't happen just because we changed. They happened because of our different personalities, the way we handle different situations and it only amplified when we did change.
Those feelings, they're just another shroud over me. I have those feeling because I never had someone actually care for me when I was little, ever since kindergarden I was always teased and bullied by the guys, which caused me to hate even my own brother. My father had often punish my brother and I when we were little so we would be disciplined when we got older, that was why I didn't really favor my father in the past. So my past affected my feelings toward every guy I ever met, the way they treated and spoke to me were distinguished even by the slightest tint. So these feelings aren't as genuine as I thought, maybe. They were created because of the care those people showed to me, they all came and went but this time I'm not too sure when it'll fade, if it ever does.
My past has affected my whole present state, and maybe I'm just another pawn in the game of life but these few days have made my mind clearer than it has ever been. My past made me who I am today, so this present time will decide my future, my life is what I made of it. Other factors are just obstacles that I have to over come, and so from now onward I'll strive for the future I want and though I can't change my past, I can shape my present to form my future.
"Care is the greatest gift you could give, so why not start caring?"
ENDx ---
11:32 PM