Sunday, July 31, 2011
330 -Life has been hectic this past week, headaches, giddiness and nausea?
It really takes a lot to still be able to walk or stand these past few days. Fortunately, my stitches are out, and I'm feeling much better.
Hopefully I'll be able to attend a full week of school starting tomorrow. :)
I miss so many people :(
I just hope that I won't fall ill anymore, and hope to see my friends more often. After all being absent for such a long time does make you miss people. :/
But you know what I miss the most? I miss having those long meaning full and meaning less talks with my friends, since secondary 4 started I've had only a few of such conversations... Even less now that O Levels are only 9 Fridays away?
Well, God Bless & Good Luck for GCE O Level's ♥
Looking forward to the end of our examinations!~
ENDx ---
2:55 PM
Monday, July 25, 2011
329 -The headaches have come back, each time I stand it comes and lasts for 10 to 15 seconds before it fades. Something is wrong, I know something is wrong. I haven't been feeling well since Saturday, the headaches, heartaches and breathlessness, even nausea. I might not be going back to school as quickly as I anticipated, but I will be back by this week.
God Bless & I miss all of you ♥
ENDx ---
8:59 PM
Saturday, July 23, 2011
328 -Some how I don't ever want to go back to school ever again... Maybe it'll allow me the time to really think about things and forget so much faster. These few days my thoughts have been jumbled, and I can't seem to think straight or even think about the stuff that really does matter, they're clouded by thoughts of people how they react and how they act.
The thoughts run through my mind the whole day, memories resurface and thoughts form around them. Questions surface. Each reaction triggers a different thought, each word a different meaning, uncovering things I never thought were true. Though, it all makes sense now. The feuds, the lies and the truth behind everything I've been through... I should have seen them coming, seen through that veil that blinded me so. I shouldn't have been surprised at everything happening now, the fight and these feelings, I should have seen them coming a long time ago. So why didn't I?
Memories are flooding back to me, every last detail. Every word spoken, every gesture made. I never knew I could have been this blind, the feuds... They occurred because of the past we had, the bad memories and the things we just couldn't ever agree on, they didn't happen just because we changed. They happened because of our different personalities, the way we handle different situations and it only amplified when we did change.
Those feelings, they're just another shroud over me. I have those feeling because I never had someone actually care for me when I was little, ever since kindergarden I was always teased and bullied by the guys, which caused me to hate even my own brother. My father had often punish my brother and I when we were little so we would be disciplined when we got older, that was why I didn't really favor my father in the past. So my past affected my feelings toward every guy I ever met, the way they treated and spoke to me were distinguished even by the slightest tint. So these feelings aren't as genuine as I thought, maybe. They were created because of the care those people showed to me, they all came and went but this time I'm not too sure when it'll fade, if it ever does.
My past has affected my whole present state, and maybe I'm just another pawn in the game of life but these few days have made my mind clearer than it has ever been. My past made me who I am today, so this present time will decide my future, my life is what I made of it. Other factors are just obstacles that I have to over come, and so from now onward I'll strive for the future I want and though I can't change my past, I can shape my present to form my future.
"Care is the greatest gift you could give, so why not start caring?"
ENDx ---
11:32 PM
Friday, July 22, 2011
327 -Over the span of 3 days of being absent, I received messages from Bronte, SiewPeng, GuanYi and Germaine :) It was nice having people ask why I didn't go to school ^^ But I guess a lot of people didn't ask because they already know why I was absent :( maybe I shouldn't tell people next time :o make me feel less lonely LOL hahax xD just kidding :p
Had a horror movie marathon with my dad yesterday ^^ It was fun ^^ but the movies weren't that scary. We watched Nightmare on Elm Street and Child's Eye. Hmm nothing scary really :/
Anyway~ I'm going back to school on Monday~! :) See all my friends and teachers and *coughs* everyone else :) So I'm looking forward to Monday! ^o^
Maybe by then I'll stop thinking bout stuff :/ it's creepy to keep thinking bout random stuff the whole day because your bored and there's really nothing to do besides studying and slacking where by slacking always wins. Hmm~ okay enough randomness ._.
LOVE YA!~
Endx ---
9:42 AM
Thursday, July 21, 2011
326 -Hihi! Just got my wisdom tooth pulled :(
It doesn't hurt that bad but the lower left side of my face is swollen and really sore D:
So I didn't go to school yesterday and now I'm still home :) so you should know what that means? Anyway, I might not be going to school tomorrow either :/
So GOD BLESS ALL MY FRIENDS ATTENDING THE ADAM KHOO WORKSHOP! ^-^
LOVE YA! ♥
ENDx ---
7:47 AM
Monday, July 11, 2011
325 -Had a great day :)
Although 10 graphs seem like hell~~ The one thing that made my day was that he smiled at me whenever I saw him walk past. :)
My Happy Day~ ♥
I've stopped thinking about the negatives in life, and now I feel better! With an attitude that is ignorant to some yet all the same to everyone else. ♥
Lovex~
ENDx ---
9:06 PM
Friday, July 8, 2011
324 -Some quotes I found quite true.
"I hate it when you can't stop thinking about that one person,
yet deep down inside you know they probably haven't thought of you once."
"I can talk about him all day, but when he's around I'm speechless. "
This last one bites.
Me liking You. - Reality.
You liking Me. - Fantasy.
You and Me. - Too good to be true.
ENDx ---
9:25 PM
323 -Another day. Life goes on. I've decided, I'm gonna stop my nonsense and start working hard. No more boasting, no more venting, no more out bursts and no more thinking of other stuff. I might not be able to actually go through with the last one but I'll try.
From now on, I'm on my own, I'm not gonna sit around and laze any longer. I'm gonna prove to my parents that I am capable of studying in the library and prove that with hard work on my end, maybe I'll get better results.
So for now, I'm gonna forget about the feuds and everything that upsets me, I'm gonna be positive for almost anything that happens. I'll put on a smile through my tears and stop depending too much on others, that's my promise to myself. I'm gonna be less childish in the ways I confront a problem from now on.
Although, I will still be the same in school and deep down, I'm gonna start making some changes for the sake of myself, to give myself the chance to achieve something with everything I've got. God bless & I love all of you. ♥
I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused, the time I've wasted and everything else. Had I not met you, you might have had a better life or at least someone who was better yet cared the same way. I'm sorry ... ♥
ENDx ---
9:07 PM
Thursday, July 7, 2011
322 -There is only one word to sum up how I felt when I saw that on FaceBook.
-Hurt .
ENDx ---
9:14 PM
321 -
I'm confused, lost and whatever else that makes a person feel depressed and upset. Life sucks and then you die huh? I'm just breaking down again, re-reading everything you've said to me before and what you've put up in facebook.
I was fine with the ignorance, but now I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm untrustworthy, I'm a snob and everything negative to you. So why should I bother so much anymore ...
I guess it stings when something new comes up huh? So can I just die or something? Get outta your way and live a more peaceful life? Maybe I should have let that car hit me just now ... Look whatever, so if you're done playing with the veil of friendship you weaved ages ago, I'm done.
ENDx ---
8:46 PM
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
320 -Had a math test today, and 5 minutes before math class I prayed that we wouldn't have a test today... Why? :o Because I found out that my calculator had no more battery and was DEAD -.-
Kay so ... Let's continue shall we? :) On with life and my useless rants for everyone in the world to see and say "This is such a weird-o." Yeah, I know kay? :p
Let's see, I realized something, I really shouldn't have posted the previous post because I really hope he didn't/doesn't read that, but I'm not gonna delete it cause it'll waste my time. So moving on, I also realized that once someone deems you untrustworthy, you will forever be untrustworthy to that person. Especially those who tend to hold grudges and refuse to let go of every single detail. SO, another fight! AGAIN. Why? Because she deems me untrustworthy to her yet AGAIN. So, this would be the 2nd time that she put out there publicly. Other times are more minor? I'm not sure, but either way things aren't going well.
We seldom speak now, distancing in progress! Kay, so I guess nothing will ever be the same, from now on I will find other friends to be with I guess.
Oh yes, I just finished my Chinese O Level Oral, IT.WAS.HORRIBLY.EASY.BUT.HARD. Which simply means that I knew what to say but didn't say it because I blanked during the examination, and I just spout whatever nonsense I could think of. So, I do not think I will do well.
Anyway~ I've gotta do my homework now, so till next time. ♥
ENDx ---
9:06 PM
Sunday, July 3, 2011
319 -Thinking day and night, thinking 'bout nothing but him. Gawd, it's odd and creepy. Jasmine says I feel in love? :o But I'm not too sure, hope this doesn't end too badly, when it comes to a point of change I hope it'll be painless like the last time.
Now a days, whenever I see a guy, any guy at all, I just think 'bout him. It's time to let go, so how am I gonna do that? This is really getting creepy for me, it's like I'm obsessed. :(
Whenever I hear his name or see him walking by, I smile no matter how I feel, even when I'm really depressed. So what the heck is wrong with me ...
Maybe it's because I've never really liked a guy this much before, who knows? At least I'm not bothering him day and night, and now it's time to stop bothering him for the rest of the time before our O's.
God Bless my Family & Friends. I love you guys ♥
ENDx ---
10:29 PM
Saturday, July 2, 2011
318 -I've been thinking a lot lately... About my studies and how I'm dealing emotionally, it turns out that I'm more fragile than I've ever been, and I'm afraid that I won't be able to do well for my oral as Sophia is just before me and she is known as the top oral scorer for mother tongue... I feel doomed in a sense...
I'm afraid and well ... just messed up inside ... My ideas falling to pieces as my emotions run wild. Sometimes I wonder who I really am, who I'm supposed to be for that matter. Am I supposed to be the little girl who keeps getting scared over everything or am I supposed to be the scary girl that no one dares to irritate. It really got me thinking, should I really be that nice to everyone because it's in my nature some how, or should I just let go and spew everything I want in front of them.
It's hard to be a person with such different states of mind at different times, I guess it's creepy and weird and well, mental I guess ... I bet whoever reads this will start thinking, "Is this girl a patient from IMH or something?" But I guess maybe I'm supposed to be there, huh?
I kinda wonder, why did I act so awkward to the people who used to like me ... I mean they were so sweet and kind and caring, so why didn't I care for them the same way? Why did I treat them like the way my friend treats the guy that likes her now? Ignorance is bliss they say, but when you start thinking ... It never feels good to be the one on the other side of that one-sided feeling, so why not treasure every one around you? Some how I've only come to realize that now, thinking back ... I should have treated those who cared for me better than I did, they deserved it. I guess I'm learning from experience? Time really flies, but some how I can't shake the feeling.
I tell myself, one day I'll shake it, one day ... But who knows when? It took me a little over 3 years to forget the first guy I liked and that's only because I fell for another guy and never spoke to him for more than a 15 seconds, so how long will the second time last?
Waiting ... Till that day ♥ Till the day I forget about everything -
ENDx ---
10:34 PM